Reflections on a Curtain Closed

Chris Youngblood February 7, 2024

The Wolf is gone, you kicked him out Sunday.

Gone for good, not just a few days. I saw the writing on the wall in September, when he cussed out your cousin. You gave him another chance, cause you were scared to be alone, like me.

A drunken fool, a sham of a man. Never respected the kids, cause he had none of his own. You finally had the balls to kick him out when he insulted them and you. The verbal abuse finally giving the courage to exit him. I know it wasn’t easy with your ego and knowing I’m waiting in the wings for “I told you so’s.” I’m good at that aren’t I. You hate when I’m right.

He had no life of his own, he just stole from others like the psychopath that he is.

Blaming others for his life, choices, failures, hell, he probably even blamed you for his divorce. Well, I blame you for mine.

Sorry if that stings, I’ll keep those comments to a minimum, if at all because I know the hole you are in.

I’ve been there, lived there, made it uncomfortably home.

“Please don’t say anything mean,” knowing the victory lap I’m making now. And I did Saturday afternoon when you told me what you would do on Sunday. George Jefferson walk in full effect.

You had others be there when you kicked him out. Knowing better to ask me cause I wouldn’t lift a finger to help you out of the mess you made. But also, if I did, the 9mm would have been brought.

You are just starting out the marathon and I’ve already begun another ultra. I see you in my rearview mirror. What took you so long?

When Sunday came though, I only felt gratitude and a burden lifted. Went for a walk in the sun drenched rays of February mind you. Glorious, light, burden lifted which I knew was still there somewhere within. It was hidden, but when it was gone, felt deeply.

The flood came before the rainbow. Yes, I see now.

Speaking of flood, last night, while driving, a flood of tears came down when Beck’s “Blue Moon,” came on. That song at one time had a different meaning than it does now. Once was agony, now, victory over the demons that had tortured me. A scattered soul amongst the ruins, ala Seth to Horus. Now a reward from the angels for my steadfastness, faith, and perseverance. I was destined to be alone, to find myself, the divine hidden within. The breaking down I had to do to build myself back up, while others left me in the dirt. All worth it, all worth it.

The former me, with the experience, minus the wisdom gained, would have walked all over you. I only feel gratitude now for the lessons learned. The ultimate trial of my life is over, a foundation for the ones that no doubt will come.

He felt my knuckles that time, and I felt his. That was the dividing point, wasn’t it. You made your choice, I had given it my all. It was hard, but I walked away knowing I did all I could. Erased the memories from my head, just the boys and me. Even literally fighting for you, for me, for the fam. Wasn’t enough. These will be trials and memories you will be dealing with as you are alone, I assure you.

Unbeknownst to him, he had my shit in his mouth, swirling it every day. Yep, check motherfucking mate. The long game. The least I could do knowing what was given up on my end. I think that’s fair.

Better than a bat or mace to the face, a gunshot to the head, a knife across the throat. Oh, yes, I was in a dark place. There’s nothing more soul drenching than killing someone over and over and over in your head, planning it out, scoping. Not on you of course. That thought never crossed my mind, only him. I confess these things, pre MAAT philosophy. I never acted these out and when I transmuted, rose from the ashes, these thoughts never came back. But again, a blessing in disguise. Having the psychopath and knowing how to integrate it, transmute it into something better. I always had goodness and kindness in me, it’s a strength that only left for two years in darkness. Became something entirely different. I got myself back, along with the psychopath hidden, the protection needed for myself and those I care about. Even this trial, this dark path, had it’s lesson. I am grateful. Healed, but keeping the spare parts for warranty purposes. For when someone would attempt to break me, the warranty will be presented immediately.

I kicked alcohol alone and I know you secretly admire it, don’t quite understand how I had the will. But you always knew me, I surprise motherfuckers.

I knew it was close to over this past December, the comments you would make, mixed in with complements.

“Is that a new coat? I love it!”

Maybe December this year was a little different. The memories of December 2020 came haunting you like Scrooge. Funny cause I cut Christmas out this year. And it was the best December in 3 years.

There is gloating here yes, but the gloating is tethered to the healing. The kids are safe, the locks changed, I’m good.

I stuck around for the kids, you know that. If there had been no children, I’d be in a different state. That day will come when they are older. I’ll make the most of what I have here. But I am being called elsewhere, places where freedom rings louder.

These are blood soaked fingertips. This written statement is a final release that needed to be sent. It is my stain erased, my full immersion, my final rise like the sun.

When I conversed with you over the last few months, I felt compassion as I saw your shadow. It was the test of my shadow work. I hope in this time, which you are alone, you confront yours. Just don’t do it with “false help” that is simply popped in the mouth. You will be the better for it.

And if you do, man that ego is going to take a HIT. Yours was always bigger than mine. The proof, look how long it took you to finally admit you fucked up, even thought it was staring you right in the face.

Maybe part of it was that you knew I had ammo for you. Well, I didn’t did I? Just a few hard pellets, but come on, I had to.

Still open for trips down memory lane (I’ll wait), but don’t expect much pillow talk. I got shit to do.

A few days from another year older, the birthday present I didn’t expect. Especially, being that the three year anniversary of the day you took my heart out is approaching. The heart slowly put back in and sowed up by the lone surgeon.

Speaking of birthdays, I look forward to the “Beautiful Boy” 16th. It will be one he remembers the rest of his life. A family reunion of 4 individuals, much, much different than they were the last time gathered together. A drive in the Young B mobile. Who knew? A healing outing to a hockey game. Yes, I accepted the “extra ticket.” A family photo would be welcome now shockingly. That’s one I’ll keep.

As Beck also sang, “Somewhere Unforgiven, I will wait for you.” I won’t necessarily wait, but as this curtain has closed, another remains open for such talks. You will have to begin though. Maybe you will wait before the “talk,” that may come. Maybe knowing me, and what I would expect, you will walk in my shoes before uttering. You will feel what I felt completely (or maybe just a little, which is enough for anyone). If that is the case, I commend the fuck out of that and will embrace with open arms.

I don’t hide who I am or what I went through. I bare it all because I am unafraid. As Marlo Stanfield said, “My name is my name.” Blood is one part of it, young the other. I am both in every sense of the word. I am my birthright. I AM. This is not only for you, but for those who think, how can he speak on such matters? What hardships has he endured? NO PAYWALL. We hear all the time about women’s problems with men. These are real, no doubt. We seldom hear the reverse though. We seldom hear about the Lunar imbalance. Wish we could get back to Stellar.

Maybe you are a Youngblood too, that’s why you kept the name. Only the trial you are about to embark on will tell. The three of us endured ours, the one you initiated, each in our own way. I can tell they are calmer, shoulders relaxed, it is evident.

See you around, or at the gym.

CURTAINS CLOSE