Right Off the Pavement
Chris Youngblood December 17, 2024
It’s an interesting thing that happens when you let go. Let go of all the shit you’ve carried around, what you identified with as your struggle. You come to realize that it was only part of the shaping, a piece of the puzzle, shattered glass.
Too many people walk around with their victim hood as a badge, thinking it makes them more special than others. What makes you special is what you do with it.
I’ve been abandoned by people I trusted, even people I helped. But I’m still me. I’ve asked the question many times, for just one instance, after being a loyal husband for 15 years, finding out that none of that mattered; does anything I do ACTUALLY matter. What’s the use?
I’ve made changes in my worldview because of this, instead of sulking about it. This is a big reason I’ve decided monogamy is not for me. Judge if you want, but you have not walked in my shoes. Quick off topic, how arrogant do you have to be to go on a first date with someone, expect them to pay (which is fair if you’re female), and say they can’t go on one with someone else. Anyways, back to the topic. You see, trust is not something I give out anymore like candy. I used to, I used to believe most people I brought in would have good intentions and have my back.
I was dead wrong on this, I’ve been dead wrong on a lot but with the gift of two things:
- Humility
- The search for truth
There has been no greater gift I have given to myself than the reliabilty of me for me. In the last two years, I have grown immensely, not been perfect, but never have I once forsaken myself or self sabotaged. This is a discipline I am very proud of. I’ve been stabbed by many but the worst torture is stabbing yourself.
It’s funny how once you go in a shell for yourself, the people who called you for help or asked you don’t seem to show up anymore. People want to hear you ask about their lives or listen to them drone on and on but never seem to ask how the fuck you’re doing.
For instance, when I was going through my divorce, I was asked many times how the kids were doing. This is a kind question, thoughtful to be sure, but I had to bite the fuck out of my tongue so many times to not say, “I’m doing fine, by the way,” or “I’m a fucking mess, by the way, thanks for asking.” And then people would ask questions for their own gossip columns. It was fucking disgusting behavior. It’s like I was an E! News reporter for my own life verses a real fucking person who feels.
Death of people takes such precedent but death of a heart, ah who cares.
To the very few who asked me during this quiet period, if you want to call it that, how my sister who has stage 1 cancer is doing, I sincerely appreciate it beyond words. Truly I do. And I don’t forget. I have the memory of an elephant, which is a blessing and a curse.
What have I learned from all this? Besides a lack of trust it hasn’t been all bad. The greatest lessons I’ve learned are these:
I DON’T OWE ANYONE JACK FUCKING SHIT!!
I OWE MYSELF BEFORE ANYONE!
This doesn’t mean I don’t offer myself to the betterment of humanity. On the contrary, this is in my best interest. What I don’t owe is some image of a used suit to be worn and discarded when convenient. Fuck you! I’m Brooks Brothers in it’s prime, TIMELESS!
I noticed that some people who used to like my articles, don’t anymore, even before I went offline. Who knows why, maybe I was too real with not enough subscribers to make it worth their while.
Or maybe it’s because people run their mouth and instead of asking me what’s true, you know, the other side, they believe it.
This again is not new. I never heard again from any of my wife’s friends when we separated, not one. And they even knew what went down. Some were husbands of her friends, and we got along. Would have been nice just to get a text. But hey, fuck me right? It’s not like I really count anyways.
The hurt, betrayal, plus the absolute terrible reactions (or lack thereof), led to suicidal thoughts, alcoholism (two years sober on January 1 next year), and darkness.
The point isn’t pity. The point is the aforementioned statement in all caps with two exclamation points.
Here’s the best part though. YEAR FUCKING ZERO! I’ve made new friends, new groups, started over, born twice. I didn’t move either. I just did the inner work, external changes don’t cut it. The fact that I didn’t move away and still transmuted, HARD TIMES BUT TOUGH AS FUCK SKIN.
My circle of trust is very small and I like it that way, and YEAH, it’s elite to me, cause it’s mine. The people who are there earned the privilege to be there. It’s a privilege because what I am and what I offer, authentic who gives authentically. It’s also my privilege and honor to know them.
Some might think that’s an ego thing. It’s not. I just value myself immensely cause I come from source. My higher self has earned the right to be with people whose higher self has earned the right. That’s it! You don’t like that, well maybe you have more work to do homie.
Everything I do is with purpose. I love myself and I love my purpose. And no one, no matter who they are, how many subscribers they have, or how fly they are is EVER going to stop me from handling NUMERO UNO. “Number one, that’s scary,” some might think. Yeah, if I wasn’t aligned. Will with a capital W. Self with a capital S.
My personal philosophy is Neo Randaoism. I’m pretty sure I coined that term. I strive for the greatest expression of myself, without being sidetracked by those who believe they have some right to cipher my energy. Simultaneously, I see that there is potential good in all, redemption is possible, and the rhythm of life brings ups and downs, sometimes with the dark side of people on their journey bringing the lesson. Compassion for these people who have hurt you can exist side by side with discernment and banishment. This is the essence of my philosophy on life.
To be honest, I just like helping strangers, homeless, downtrodden in real life. The best thing is I can give them what they need at the time and keep moving. There’s no quid pro quo. I don’t even mind that if it’s on the up and up. All good circles back.
The sad thing is too many run their unconscious on auto pilot and don’t even realize their sabotaging themselves and the relationship. I’ve become better at picking this out, and if I don’t see that you love and trust your own self, I know you’ll betray me easy. Peace out.
Except if it’s a short term relationship, but that’s another story. I still separate the whites from the other colors when doing my laundry.
All I want is for people to become the better half of themselves and bring their authentic Self, which is unique and vital to the whole symphony. All I will do with the rest of my life in this realm is to inspire that through action and words (in that order). Just don’t ask me to not be me. Oh, I’m always fine tuning, but I know my essence better than most. No one’s taking that from me.
The thing is I’ve never done anything for recognition or appreciation. I just do it because it flows out of me. The thing that puzzles me is you would think it would just pay dividends sometimes when I’m less than the ideal version someone has built up in their mind. Back to the aforementioned if anything I do ACTUALLY matters.
I know the dividends pay, they do. I have opened my eyes more to when they do versus when they don’t. If they don’t, that’s a they problem, especially if no grace is given. That has made a huge difference and has manifested good things. My approach is different and therefore my life has become more magical, synchronicity abounding.
It reminds me of a story I once heard Dr. Wayne Dyer tell in a lecture. I couldn’t find a clip of it but there’s a clip below of the story.
The difference in my life has been the molding of discernment and expecting to be treated how I would treat someone.
These two skills meet at the summit and allow me to be open first, and either open or closed second. The gap between the first and second movement has been closed quite effectively, without thinking too much, like a Wing Chun artist. Very simple and direct. Straight, no conflict. Peace, either way. Neo Randaoism.
I’m closing out cycles like a bike shop during lock down. Something new is coming, already started really. Cut ties with the past. Baggage gone, cause I’ll be damn if I’m going to hit anyone new and fresh with that over the head. Light work.
By the way, if you are someone who clocks innocent people over the head with your baggage, stop doing that and stop making excuses for yourself. Why should good people have to endure your hang ups? Do that yourself or discuss it with them if you have a friendship like that. Have them be the mediator at the negotiating table at best. But don’t throw them headlong into your war and make them catch friendly fire. And then throw salt on the wound saying it’s their fault. Tough love, yeah I know. That unconscious needs a Marine barracks wake up call, since you love war so much.
If you really do the work ALL THE WAY, not half, not 80% ; ALL THE WAY, the baggage will simply dissolve. Disappear, back into the universe.
I have been a fan of Miles Davis for years. One of my favorite musicians period. Not only do I love the music but the complicated man he was. There are many parallels we share.
He was born in the city I was born and grew up in (there’s a statue of him there). He didn’t take shit from anyone, boxed, could be temperamental, brash, funny, pushed boundaries and himself. I played trumpet when I was younger and my 13 year old son plays my exact trumpet. Same case too. He rocked classic Brooks Brothers suits too! One of my favorite sayings from Miles, and he had a few, was “Don’t play what you know, play what you don’t know.” He took what he knew from many different influences and combined that into music and a sound that was uniquely his. He went where no one had gone sonically. And he had the personality to go with it, but it wasn’t contrived, it was him all the way down.
I remember reading his autobiography in my early 20s thinking, “Damn, he even says motherfucker like me, like where and how he drops it in.”
As I’m writing this, realizing the culmination of what has come, to what is now; might as well call this article:
Miles had his faults and it’s wise to see these in any human you have learned from. Take the lessons from the good and the bad. He hit his wife Frances and she left him. Miles was coked up at the time and paranoid when Frances said Quincy Jones was a handsome man. Miles had seen Quincy working his charm on her and he lost it. She wisely left him. Miles later on was heard to have said, “Whoever ends up with her is a lucky motherfucker.”
He had his drug problems. I had mine too in the way past. Funny, I saw a picture of me the other night from way back, late at night, eyes wide. I still love that young man though. He made it through. Miles spent a five year period not playing music in the mid to late 70s, holed up in his apartment like a hermit, doing massive coke. Didn’t pick up his trumpet in five years. It’s referred to as his quiet period. In his book when he was talking about people who would come by and see him he mentioned Richard Pryor. That’s all he said. I remember going, “Ok, I’ll just fill in the blanks.” He got clean and came back. Unfortunately, that period, in my opinion, sucked out the vitality he once had in spades. He was a shell of himself when he came back, didn’t move the same.
I’ve worked on my temper, which was part of my shadow confrontation. I was like Miles in this department for many years but have become more like Coltrane.
In the documentary Miles Davis: Birth of the Cool, Jimmy Cobb, drummer with Miles Davis during the late 50s and early 60s, said something about Miles that applies to me.
“If Miles liked you, he liked you. If he didn’t like you, he didn’t like you.”
Jimmy was the last member of the band that recorded the legendary Kind of Blue album to die. He passed at the age of 91 in 2020.
I used to be the one who would let you know without any subtlety that I didn’t like you. I promise this was because you drew first blood though. Until you took it upon yourself to mess with me, we were cool. It could be a comment, the way you looked at me or something you did. I’ve never once drawn first blood my whole life. I do no harm and I definitely take no shit. To be honest, I was such a smart ass that sometimes a not so nice joke thrown my way got a disrepectful joke thrown your way. Then dudes were butt hurt, but hey, you shouldn’t have messed with the kid. I was good at telling who had a mouth and who didn’t. I made sure I had jokes for them based on their clothes, hair, domestic situation, etc. I’ve played the silent ninja, verbally and physically. I never strike first, but I’ll strike when I have to. Don’t start none, won’t be none.
I held grudges expecting apologies, but they barely every came. I built up resentments of people, storing up all that anger. Elephant memory. Keeping more tabs than 80s soda machine deliverymen. Baggage. People mostly don’t apologize, it’s just what it is.
The turning point is when you can say, “Don’t sweat it, they have to live with themselves.” But if that person has been hurt, abandoned, I get it. I do.
I have found that if you can change the approach and your mannerisms into one of calm and centered, the trajectory of a potential conflict can be turned on it’s axis. Yin hidden in Yang. Yang hidden in Yin. “The art of fighting without fighting,” as Bruce Lee said.
If I kid you, I like you. Give it right back to me. I like a good joke, even at my expense, and I like laughing at myself, not in self deprecation, no, because you see the truth of yourself and the endearing qualities of why people love you in their jokes. Hopefully people reading this know the difference between a downright insult and a joke. Although insults don’t really move me anymore, especially from behind a screen.
What I prided myself on and was widely known was the fact that I was a loyal friend (ride or die but would hold you accountable), stand up guy, kind, considerate, first to admit when he is wrong, heart on sleeve, but also brash, not to be messed with. I am all of this, with a little less brash. It’s held for reserves. I still am not to be messed with, but the manner in which I deal with it now is much different.
Instead of the vengeance I used to ensue, I now calmly walk away. I disappear in the wind like a echoing trumpet sound fading into silence. “Respond like an echo.”
Or stay centered, the calm in the storm. Whether I dissolve the other into me, stay and fight or exit, I am centered. Dispassion.
I do this before any damage can be done. Self preservation mixed with Taoist discipline. No grudges, expecting no apologies. I always leave the door open for reconciliation.
The emotion from this action is no longer out of malice. That leaks out energy. I’m beyond that now. I just can’t have motherfuckers using up a classic suit.